Today I drove to school.
My hands wrapped around the wheel
and I thought of you.
I thought of how
on my sixteenth birthday
I cried in your arms under that
beautiful oak tree
on a blanket
you had laid out for us.
It was pouring outside
just like my eyes
and you still wanted to be there.
You held me when no one else did.
I cried into your warm shoulder and
I didn’t think twice about my saliva staining your shirt.
The mental hospital meant something to you
obviously, but it didn’t mean enough.
It didn’t mean you wouldn’t hold me.
Your huge arms wrapped around me
I could swear I felt you crying too.
Just a tear you blinked away from the stress
of not knowing where I was
or how I was doing
for the past six days.
You knew where I was right then.
You knew because I was in your arms.
I cried because of the stress I was under.
The stress of being stuck in a place I had
never been for reasons I actually had control over.
I put myself there.
I did it.
I cried because I did this to you.
I put this look of pity on your face and I am making you sad.
I cried because I hurt you.
And you held me because you felt obligated to do so.
Then the rain stopped.
The rain stopped and at that moment
so did my tears.
I stopped crying for the simple reason that
I didn’t want to hurt you anymore.
I didn’t want you to hear me gasping for breath and
feel the warmth of my tears on your shoulder and
see me shake in your arms.
I didn’t want to make you watch your love
in the lowest position she has been
since she had a scarf tied around her neck and
in the doorframe.
Today I drove to school.
And I remembered all of the times you
helped me through my depression.
I remembered all of the supportive looks and back rubs.
All of the times you put your hand on my thigh to comfort me.
All of the slow and meaningful kisses.
All of the hugs and ‘I love you’s.
And all of the upset looks.
All of the times you told me I was abusive.
All of the times you said I was pushing you away.
All of the times you said you were going to break up with me because of this.
All of the times I asked you to listen and you didn’t.
I asked for your support and you said you would.
You told me of course and
while I supported you and
stopped being so depressed around you,
you told me I was getting angry too much.
When I promised to stop you did too.
Then when you got angry you blamed me for making you angry.
I asked for you to listen to me and
help me like you once did under that tree. And
you did. You helped me to realize that I don’t need you
to help me out of my depression.
Today I drove to school and
thought of how much better I am without you.
Even though I thought of pulling that steering wheel
to the right and
crashing into that tree
I don’t need you to hold me anymore.
I don’t need you.