Today I Drove To School

Today I drove to school.

My hands wrapped around the wheel

white knuckles

and I thought of you.

I thought of how

on my sixteenth birthday

I cried in your arms under that

beautiful oak tree

on a blanket

you had laid out for us.

It was pouring outside

just like my eyes

and you still wanted to be there.

You held me when no one else did.

I cried into your warm shoulder and

I didn’t think twice about my saliva staining your shirt.



The mental hospital meant something to you

obviously, but it didn’t mean enough.

It didn’t mean you wouldn’t hold me.

Your huge arms wrapped around me

I could swear I felt you crying too.

Just a tear you blinked away from the stress

of not knowing where I was

or how I was doing

for the past six days.

You knew where I was right then.

You knew because I was in your arms.

I cried because of the stress I was under.

The stress of being stuck in a place I had

never been for reasons I actually had control over.

I put myself there.

I did it.

I cried because I did this to you.

I put this look of pity on your face and I am making you sad.

I cried because I hurt you.

And you held me because you felt obligated to do so.



Then the rain stopped.

The rain stopped and at that moment

so did my tears.

I stopped crying for the simple reason that

I didn’t want to hurt you anymore.

I didn’t want you to hear me gasping for breath and

feel the warmth of my tears on your shoulder and

see me shake in your arms.

I didn’t want to make you watch your love

in the lowest position she has been

since she had a scarf tied around her neck and

in the doorframe.



Today I drove to school.

And I remembered all of the times you

helped me through my depression.

I remembered all of the supportive looks and back rubs.

All of the times you put your hand on my thigh to comfort me.

All of the slow and meaningful kisses.

All of the hugs and ‘I love you’s.



And all of the upset looks.

All of the times you told me I was abusive.

All of the times you said I was pushing you away.

All of the times you said you were going to break up with me because of this.

All of the times I asked you to listen and you didn’t.

I asked for your support and you said you would.

You told me of course and

while I supported you and

stopped being so depressed around you,

you told me I was getting angry too much.

When I promised to stop you did too.

Then when you got angry you blamed me for making you angry.



I asked for you to listen to me and

help me like you once did under that tree. And

you did. You helped me to realize that I don’t need you

to help me out of my depression.

Today I drove to school and

thought of how much better I am without you.

Even though I thought of pulling that steering wheel

to the right and

crashing into that tree

I don’t need you to hold me anymore.

I don’t need you.

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