Changing

I don’t know if I miss you

Do I even need to?

I don’t know if you’re my partner anymore

My heart no longer feels sore.

It’s been a while, long enough to say

I don’t hate waking up every day.

I did have this dream about you though

It felt so…real.

I was in your arms and I woke up and thought

I love you. How could I not?

I pondered a bit longer and realized

That I can’t love you, no matter how hard I try.

I can’t see you, I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your fucking hand

I can’t sit here anymore and demand

That you be there for me.

That’s not going to be my reality.

The fact is you left me after my attempt to die

Only when I was just bouncing back, no longer wanting to cry

Every day I think to myself, how could you?

Now I think you had to.

I would have left too.

I would have left you

If I had the chance.

If I had the wherewithal to know that I can’t

I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t have spent

So much time begging my life went

Right before my eyes wondering where did all my energy go?

You know.

I patched holes in the walls of our relationship.

I wasn’t equipped

To do all of the changing.

So yeah, I don’t know if I miss you.

I don’t really think I need to.

See, I’ve been doing the changing on my own terms

I’ve been doing my best to learn

How to be me

Who am I?

How to be a good person

I try.

But it’s not for you.

It will never be to

Fix our shit

Really, it

Will only be

For me.

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