when I love someone I don’t let go.
my high school boyfriend and I still talk
what you’re thinking.
“emma, you’re crazy”
but my feelings for people don’t just go away.
they might get hazy
hard to see that they’re even there
but they are.
theyre not so ‘in your face’
but there is a place
for them in my heart.
it just so happens that we drifted apart.
that’s what people do.
differences make the love grow small
but I believe (that even all)
ill always remember my loves
first, second, and third
and just like a bird
ill sing love songs like im deep
deep in love when im not.
im just mildly in love.
my toe is in the water.
and if I ever have a daughter
I’ll teach her this:
don’t be afraid.
don’t be scared to be honest about your feelings.
I know my lessons will go amiss
because we are all afraid
“what if they don’t love me back”
“what if I die alone”
what if he told me?
what if he told me what he wanted from me?
I wouldn’t have fucked up
I know what he’s thinking, yup.
but none of that matters
he doesn’t think ill be able to change
and he might be right
but he underestimates the range
of my love.
it doesn’t stop at red lights.
it doesn’t slow down for pedestrians to cross.
okay, maybe it should
but im at a loss
for words when he talks
and says im addicted to sex.
you know who would say the opposite? my other ex.
I would stop sleeping around
if he wanted.
I just feel haunted
by what I did all the time
its why im under so many people
its so I can forget.
or at least make my love for him disappear
a little, not go away just yet.
I would give him the same advice
as my hypothetical daughter.
be honest about your feelings
or be like me and continue cheating
I keep fucking it up somehow
well, I know how
but I also know how to stop.
so, maybe bear with me
as I work through my shit
because im learning
very easy to do the right thing
but hard to make that choice.
to stand up even when your voice
but speak up for what you believe in and
I believe in love
and I don’t believe in letting go of it.
so I keep it.
in my cold, terrible heart
I keep that warmth
inside it and I never part
with that shit.
you could call me a packrat
holding onto things that
I really don’t need.
I don’t need to remember my love for other people
I just need the love I give myself.
because if I cant love myself, how in the hell am I gonna love somebody else?